The FIRST THREE MINUTES of an argument can tell you EVERYTHING about how that argument will end and the impact it will have on that relationship.
The First Three Minutes
According to Dr. John Gottman and research from a six-year study, it’s possible to predict which newlywed couples will divorce by observing the way these spouses interact with one another in just the FIRST THREE MINUTES of an argument or a discussion involving conflict or disagreement.
The way a married couple begins a discussion is incredibly prophetic in terms of where that discussion will go and how it will end.
Gottman believes that by “SOFTENING THE START-UP,” a couple can increase their chances of resolving their issue instead of escalating the situation.
The Soft Start-Up
So, what are the essentials involved in “softening the start-up”?
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Complain, but don’t blame.
Complaints are inevitable. But it’s important to realize that a COMPLAINT is usually comprised of three parts: (1) Here’s how I FEEL; (2) about a very SPECIFIC situation; (3) here’s what I NEED, WANT, or PREFER.
Complaints are very SPECIFIC and are almost always accompanied by a possible SOLUTION.
CRITICISM, on the other hand, is more global and expresses negative feelings and opinions about the other person’s character or personality.
Statements like, “What’s wrong with you? How could you be so stupid and irresponsible?” are NOT complaints. They’re criticism and almost always guarantee that the conversation is going to go south in a big way!
No matter how “at fault” you believe your spouse may be, throwing a grenade of criticism on the issue isn’t going to help. It’s just going to create an explosion. Jesus said:
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.” —Matthew 7:1 MSG
“I notice… I prefer…”
When Janet and I have a complaint we want to address, we attempt to employ the “I notice…” and “I prefer…” method of addressing those complaints. For example, “I notice that you often leave your dirty dishes in the sink when working from home. I prefer that you wash and rinse them throughout the day so that I don’t return home to a messy kitchen.”
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Make statements that begin with “I” instead of “You.”
When you start sentences with “I” you’re far less likely to be CRITICAL. For instance, “You’re so careless with money…” is far more incendiary than “I would really love it if we could become more frugal and put some money into savings…”
According to Gottman, discussions that begin by focusing on how you feel instead of accusing or blaming your spouse are far more likely to be received and successful.
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Describe what’s happening, but don’t evaluate or judge.
In other words, instead of accusing, reprimanding, scolding, or blaming your spouse, just calmly communicate what’s going on.
For instance, instead of saying, “You never help with dinner.” Say something like, “I seem to be the only one who prepares dinner each evening. Since we both work, may we could start dividing this responsibility?”
Gottman believes that this prevents our spouse from feeling attacked and going on the defensive. It opens them up to considering our point of view.
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Be clear about what you want, not what you don’t want.
For instance, instead of, “You constantly leave dishes piled in the sink like I’m your hired dishwasher.” (Leaving dishes piled in the sink has NEVER been an issue in our relationship. “Yeah, right,” says Janet.)
Say something like, “I would really appreciate it if you would wash and rinse your dirty dishes after using them.”
It’s interesting that in Luke 18, Jesus responded to a blind man begging for mercy with this simple question: “What do you want me to do for you?” (Luke 18:41).
The blind beggar wasn’t offended. He expressed his desire quickly and clearly. “Lord, I want to see.”
Are you that clear in expressing what you want to your spouse?
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Be polite.
Just because you have an issue that needs to be addressed doesn’t mean you can’t demonstrate honor, kindness, courtesy, and respect. Phrases like “Please, Thank you, I would sincerely appreciate it if you would _____, or, Would it be possible _____,” can make a big difference in the outcome of a conversation.
Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another…”
That’s not a statement about how we should treat people in general. It’s also a statement about how we should treat our spouse in particular.
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Be appreciative and demonstrate gratitude.
According to Gottman, for every SINGLE NEGATIVE interaction in marriage, stable and happy couples have FIVE or more POSITIVE interactions! This especially includes things like appreciation and gratitude.
Don’t allow complaints that need to be addressed to overwhelm the good things in your relationship and the positive traits of your spouse.
Create a culture of appreciation, encouragement, and gratitude in your marriage and home. Then watch how this transforms the way you deal with and process conflict.
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Don’t store things up.
Bottling stuff up is like shaking a can of Coca-Cola and then pulling the tab on the lid. Things are going to get messy.
Address LITTLE things while they’re still LITTLE instead of allowing them to grow and become BIG THINGS that bring with them BIG EMOTIONS.
Ephesians 4:26-27 contains wise counsel.
“‘…don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” —Ephesians 4:26-27 NLT
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All seven of these bullets create a softened start-up and will go a long way to changing the way conflict looks in your marriage and family.
The ISOW course Marriage Builder with Pastor Chris Goins (In English Only) contains an entire session — Session 5: Learn and Grow Through Conflict — that provides Scriptural insight and practical strategies for dealing with and resolving conflict successfully. This course is excellent for use with small groups, Wednesday evening services, Saturday workshops, home study as a couple, and pastor, minister, and personal study, and more.
To view courses in Spanish, click here.
